Details and Don't Tells...

Details and Don’t Tell…

Getting details out of my husband is like dragging a train down the tracks by my earlobes. It is his own fault I have to be that naggy kind of wife.

I have a regular routine that I religiously follow when I get to my office in the morning. I have too; I have this friggin’ OCD dog that flips out if I do anything out of order. I start my computer to print out the billing shit, make my coffee, give her a cookie, turn on my lights, and then we sit outside for a few minutes while I have a smoke and she has a poop.

The nice thing about that is that by the time we have all that done; I still have about 30 minutes before I actually have to open. I open early anyway, I mean – what the hell? I’m there, might as well try to make the boss a little extra money, right?

So by the time I am “officially” open, all my stuff is done and all I have to do is walk to the mailbox. That’s the only part of the day that pisses off Sukoshi. She can’t walk to the mailbox with me because it’s too close to a major road and I don’t want her thinking that’s an okay place to go.

Our day is usually pretty quiet, which is nice. There is a lot of ball playing and rope tugging – and once in a while she actually takes a nap so I can surf the internet.

The other morning I jumped on Facebook and found out two things; Billy got twin puppies and he and Alicia got engaged.

Pretty major stuff, right? I thought so, so I called Del at his office immediately.

“Del! Billy and Alicia are engaged!” I yelled into the phone because I was (still am) very excited about it.

Find out, call me and I’ll scream it at you too.

“How do you know that?” He asked me.

“I saw the pictures on Facebook.” I told him so he pulled up Bill’s page.

“Aww, Bruce and BJ. They are wicked cute.” Del said.

I was confused. “Who’s page are you looking at? Do you have a couple of gay friends that are engaged too? We can celebrate that later, I want to know about Bill and Alicia first.” I said.

“No, the puppies. That’s their names. Did you see them?” Del asked me.

“Did you see Alicia’s engagement ring?” I asked him. Bill scored some MAJOR points on the ring. I couldn’t believe a guy that was going to take carnations (CARNATIONS!) on his first date with her, came up with such a gorgeous ring.

“I’m still checking out the puppies. I bet BJ stands for Bill Jr.” Del said.

If I could have reached through the phone, I would have flicked him in the ear, I swear to God.

BJ has to mean Bill Jr. They never would have named the dog “blow job”, “beef jerky” or “Beetle Juice”, I’m sure of it.

“Del, I want to know details about the engagement. Get to that.” I said.

“Get to what? I’m looking at exactly the same stuff you are, same pictures with no details. You’re the one that called me to tell me, you knew more than I did in the first place. What more do you want from me?”

‘Maybe I’ll flick him in the ear when he comes to pick us up’ I thought to myself. ‘I’ve never done that to him before so he sure won’t expect it…’

“Could you call him?” I asked not believing I had to come up with that idea.

“I’m not calling him at 8:00 in the morning. I’ll wait until he gets on Facebook and message him.” Del told me and that was the end of our conversation.

I think my suggestion of him calling Bill so early in the morning was risking ME getting flicked in the ear.

There was only one thing left for me to do and that was to call Nikki and tell her. I needed to talk about it with someone, you know what I mean? It’s MAJOR!

We didn’t talk long either because she has a real job that makes her do actual work- and really, what can you say when you have no details about it? I was left with nobody to talk about it for the next few hours but Sukoshi.

Later that afternoon, I called Del back to see if he found anything out. The only thing he knew at that point was that Bill worked on his Farmville game. He missed him.

So I called Bill’s phone and left a message that we needed details and to call one of us back.

Eventually the day ended and Del came to pick up Sukoshi and me.

Now, let me show you an example of how DETAILS work, okay?

I drove home and backed into the driveway, which was icy and carved into a snow bank. Del let Sukoshi out his side of the car. I was still talking (nagging) Del about finding out about Bill and Alicia while I was getting out of the car. I was leaning forward to get my stuff out of the backseat when the next thing happened so fast, I wasn’t even aware it happened until Sukoshi freaked out.

I don’t even know how I managed it but I did.

Somehow, my feet slid into two different directions and I fell ass-backwards into the snow bank – hard.

I didn’t do a split; I did a ‘V’.

If I did a split, the details would end right there because that sure as hell would have killed me.

My first thought was ‘what invisible force came along and slammed me in lady-land with a fucking sledgehammer?’

And why?

Sukoshi flipped out when she saw me sitting on the ground (seriously, the dog needs everything exactly the same ALWAYS) and jumped into my lap, crying.

Is it possible I landed so hard, I hurt her crotch too? Holy shit!

I can’t remember the last time I landed on my ass like that but I can guarantee you, it was at least 30 pounds ago. It was all I could do to keep from screaming “help, I’ve fallen and broken my vagina!”

Del looked over the top of the car and asked me what I was doing.

What I DIDN’T say was “Apparently, I had an affair with Frosty the deadbeat snowman and now I’m giving birth to a freaking snow bank.”

What I said was “resting a minute. Getting out of the car just took it all out of me.”

Del had to come around the car to pick me up off the snow bank because I couldn’t get up. It wasn’t a ‘busted under-carriage’ issue- it was a ‘hands and lap full’ issue.

I had a lap full of crying puppy, my computer bag in one hand and my jacket in the other.

That’s right, my jacket. I can’t wear my jacket in the car with Del. He keeps it 147 degrees in the car and if I wear my jacket, I’ll either pass out or jump out – so I take my jacket off for safety reasons.

The thing that sucked the very most about that entire thing was once I was back in my original standing position, I saw that it wasn’t just a ‘v’ that I left in the snow bank, it was a CAPITAL letter ‘V’.

You understand that I had no other choice but to toss Sukoshi onto it to try and cover it up, right?

Okay, so Alicia did end up calling me and this is what I know:

Bill (and the puppies) proposed on Valentine’s Day. He gave her a heart-shaped box of chocolates and the ring was sticking out of the middle of the center one.

I know, I died too.

He did get some helping picking out the ring from Alicia’s daughter which clears up that mystery for me. His taste in flowers and jewelry can’t be that black and white.

They have no date yet. They are still enjoying the newness of being engaged at the moment. Alicia promised me she would let me know as soon as they have one and that Nikki and I want to help with anything they need.

Billy’s getting married!!!

LYMI!